Porch Pondering: Decisions

Photo by Debbie Soderberg Kirchner

I made an important decision yesterday that wasn’t easy for me to make! 

I found myself in a very low place this week, as the first year of my mother’s passing was marked on the calendar! Memories flooded through my mind and heart! Some good, some unfortunately were extremely painful and traumatic!

I honor my low moods. I don’t make life changing decisions. I give myself space to feel, to cry, to laugh again! 

I was offered an opportunity to teach 3 days a week, a couple of hours a day earlier this week! I gave myself permission to wait until my heart had moved through the sorrow of the one year anniversary! 

After a long, heartfelt discussion with my amazing partner, I knew what I needed to write! 

The truth is that I am still not living in a joyful state enough of the time to give back.... yet! I am better, but I have to be honest with myself, too! The thought of a teaching commitment right now... may not be in anyone’s best interest.  

The anniversary took me pretty low. It isn’t just about her passing. It’s all the family trauma memories, too! As much as I want to be ready, I am not! I need to write, spend time in joy with everything I do, until I can give again! 

I know you can feel it, too! Hugs!

This wasn’t easy to admit. In fact, tears were running down my cheeks after I hit send. However, I felt a peaceful warmth fill my heart because I had made the right decision in this moment in time!

I needed time to sit, to ponder, to reflect and feel before making this decision! Saying “no” isn’t easy for me to do! 

As magical coincidences usually occur in my life, I wasn’t surprised to experience yet another magical moment to remind me to be grateful as I continue to listen to my heart wisdom! 

We went for a lovely side by side ride after I made this difficult decision! As we passed the log chair, my late father-in-law had cut into the stump while helping us gather wood to heat our home, I remembered that he carved it right before his passing in 2006! A legacy! A message to do what makes you happy whenever you can!

When you have a decision to make, do you make it quickly, or do you take time to ponder?

Do you listen for your truth or someone else’s? 

Do you make decisions from a low mood or wait?

Manifest a magical day!

Time with Tipper: Listening

Photo by Debbie Soderberg Kirchner 

 Tipper was watching and listening for the campground cat to come back into sight as we sat in the shade together on a very hot day! 

I have found myself listening and watching for signs from the otherside of the veil with the same intensity as Tipper was watching for the return of the cat! We were in unfamiliar territory, a new to us location as Dan worked on a trailer! 

Within the last year, 4 souls have crossed over! My mom, my dear friend, Bella our sweet senior dog and my heart dog, Bear! I found myself in unfamiliar territory as grief washed over me in these multiple waves if oain and sadness! Hurricane force waves of grief so close together I couldn't come up for air! I have felt grief before on many occasions! I have successfully navigated grief! 

This time the transitions occured before I could fully recover and return to my healthiest, most authentic self! I wasn't resilient this time! I fell deep into the abyss called grief!

I had started the climb back to feeling whole again 6 months after I severed myself away from unhealthy relationships and my mom had passed! 

I was writing, I retired and I started to feel the joy I had so missed feeling! I was bouncing back and felt hopeful! Until...

My dear friend entered hospice, my dogs both declined at the same time, within  the month all 3 of them transitioned! My heart actually hurt, a deep, sad painful throbbing ache from deep within! 

Mourning takes energy and time! Hiding from the healing process isn't a possibility, because it appears like the campground cat when you least expect it to appear! 

Instead of hiding, I have opened myself to healing, listening and watching for signs from my loved ones! I see them, feel them and give thanks for the messages from beyond the rainbow bridge! I have started to laugh again between the tears!

I think I am able to write again about these amazing experiences!  I think I am able to feel the joy that has been missing from my life for the last 18 months! I am moving forward, the pain isn't gone, but it's not a constant weight that pulls me under and causes my heart to throb!

When you listen with your heart to the pain you have felt, what do you hear, feel and see? 

What does it feel like as you move through the waves of grief and the process of letting go of the way your life once was?

Manifest a magical day full of hope and joy!