"Burning Barn, GET OUT!"

I just realized that I have been "Running in Mindless Circles" trying to get back into a full time teaching position, which I now see as being the same behavior as when a horse runs back into a "burning barn". It is the only home and place of safety that the horse knows. 

I realized this week that it, this experience, "feels" the same as when I went through my divorce. I would run into people who knew me from the real estate world, after we split up. When they found out I was separated/divorced, they would say, "WHAT you are not still with so and so?" I proceeded to burst into tears most of the time when these exchanges occurred, because it was so incredibly painful to remember and retell the story over and over and over again. 

FYI, there really was LIFE after divorce, as my friends and family assured me there would be. I am amazingly content, settled and happy with Dan. So much so that I shake my head every time I think back on the emotional pain I suffered and the thousands of fears I had about life without my first husband. I was so scared and locked in a state of paralysis. Had I known that life would turn out as it has, I never would have let myself get that LOW or grovel like I did, for him to return. OMG... what a crazy habit that was and apparently still is. Read on. 

This week, I took 2 classes for CEU's to keep my teaching license up to date. Interestingly, I ran into a bunch of teachers who asked me where I was teaching. I looked at them and said, "I am not teaching, I did not get another contract, I have been doing some subbing is all" or something like that cause I just stumbled over my words, because emotions were starting to take over and tears were beginning to form at the corners of my eyes. Anyway, my reaction and the feelings I felt from their words and dropped jaws, was oh so familiar. "WHAT, you do not have a contract with the district?" Astonishment on their faces. 

The epiphany this week was that the HR people in the schools have divorced me. I keep trying to get them to take me back. Yep, I realized that I am "BEGGING" each time I send in an application. Currently, I have 12 active apps in one school district, (I would have more then that, but they stopped me at 12) and I must have 4 or more in other school districts in the area. Good grief, if that is not begging and "running in mindless circles" I don't know what is.

How interesting, the teachers love me and think I should be hired. However, HR says "no". So, I need to stop begging HR to take me back. I need to expand my wings and DO SOMETHING ELSE. I have played this record before, I have thought these thoughts before. But, I am not sure I have "felt" these feelings as deeply as I did this week, before!


FYI, I just got a bill for the 2 classes I took this week. I had no idea they would cost me money as a sub in the district (they never use to and the classes are free for contracted teachers). I actually started laughing when I read the email bill from the school district I have called home for MANY YEARS. Talk about a wake up call!

                                               
                                             
                                      The barn is burning Debbie, GET OUT! 

Granted, I was asked and I agreed, to teach a summer school special ed class for 4 weeks. I signed a short term contract, so it is a done deal. I am also still on the list to sub again in the fall. This simply means that I am lucky, because I have a plan to generate income until I find something better. 


However, because of this huge BFO this week, I am truely "feeling" that it is time to be open to a "new career" for me. One that is a good match... Maybe an LBI career, if there is such a thing. Let's look at this a little deeper. What is an LBI career? Not a job but a career! What does it look like? Feel like? Sound like? 


Left Brain Introvert horses are fabulous on long trail rides. They are calm, confident and dependable. They like the adventure of the trail but can also stand for hours on the rail eating and relaxing. They enjoy attention and do anything for a reward. They might argue if they feel one path or way is better then another but generally speaking, they are great partners in a variety of situations and don't get easily rattled. 

FYI, I put an ad in the newspaper to find Dan... It was a dare. I tried to pull it out a day later. I wish I had the original words I wrote and the actual ad that was posted. The paper changed it almost completely, but Dan found my words among the editors changes and that was what touched my heart. Interestingly, 20 other guys answered the ad. I called them all and told them I was not dating. I tried that with Dan, but my heart was already his. 

Our relationship has not always been easy, but there has always been a solid connection between the two of us. He, as it turns out, is my LBI, my steady partner, my rock!

Enough of that.. I feel that my career is out there, I just have to find it, like Dan and I found each other. 

Dang, this could be an ad to the universe for my "Perfect Career". One where I am amazingly content, settled and happy!!!