"Burning Barn, GET OUT!"

I just realized that I have been "Running in Mindless Circles" trying to get back into a full time teaching position, which I now see as being the same behavior as when a horse runs back into a "burning barn". It is the only home and place of safety that the horse knows. 

I realized this week that it, this experience, "feels" the same as when I went through my divorce. I would run into people who knew me from the real estate world, after we split up. When they found out I was separated/divorced, they would say, "WHAT you are not still with so and so?" I proceeded to burst into tears most of the time when these exchanges occurred, because it was so incredibly painful to remember and retell the story over and over and over again. 

FYI, there really was LIFE after divorce, as my friends and family assured me there would be. I am amazingly content, settled and happy with Dan. So much so that I shake my head every time I think back on the emotional pain I suffered and the thousands of fears I had about life without my first husband. I was so scared and locked in a state of paralysis. Had I known that life would turn out as it has, I never would have let myself get that LOW or grovel like I did, for him to return. OMG... what a crazy habit that was and apparently still is. Read on. 

This week, I took 2 classes for CEU's to keep my teaching license up to date. Interestingly, I ran into a bunch of teachers who asked me where I was teaching. I looked at them and said, "I am not teaching, I did not get another contract, I have been doing some subbing is all" or something like that cause I just stumbled over my words, because emotions were starting to take over and tears were beginning to form at the corners of my eyes. Anyway, my reaction and the feelings I felt from their words and dropped jaws, was oh so familiar. "WHAT, you do not have a contract with the district?" Astonishment on their faces. 

The epiphany this week was that the HR people in the schools have divorced me. I keep trying to get them to take me back. Yep, I realized that I am "BEGGING" each time I send in an application. Currently, I have 12 active apps in one school district, (I would have more then that, but they stopped me at 12) and I must have 4 or more in other school districts in the area. Good grief, if that is not begging and "running in mindless circles" I don't know what is.

How interesting, the teachers love me and think I should be hired. However, HR says "no". So, I need to stop begging HR to take me back. I need to expand my wings and DO SOMETHING ELSE. I have played this record before, I have thought these thoughts before. But, I am not sure I have "felt" these feelings as deeply as I did this week, before!


FYI, I just got a bill for the 2 classes I took this week. I had no idea they would cost me money as a sub in the district (they never use to and the classes are free for contracted teachers). I actually started laughing when I read the email bill from the school district I have called home for MANY YEARS. Talk about a wake up call!

                                               
                                             
                                      The barn is burning Debbie, GET OUT! 

Granted, I was asked and I agreed, to teach a summer school special ed class for 4 weeks. I signed a short term contract, so it is a done deal. I am also still on the list to sub again in the fall. This simply means that I am lucky, because I have a plan to generate income until I find something better. 


However, because of this huge BFO this week, I am truely "feeling" that it is time to be open to a "new career" for me. One that is a good match... Maybe an LBI career, if there is such a thing. Let's look at this a little deeper. What is an LBI career? Not a job but a career! What does it look like? Feel like? Sound like? 


Left Brain Introvert horses are fabulous on long trail rides. They are calm, confident and dependable. They like the adventure of the trail but can also stand for hours on the rail eating and relaxing. They enjoy attention and do anything for a reward. They might argue if they feel one path or way is better then another but generally speaking, they are great partners in a variety of situations and don't get easily rattled. 

FYI, I put an ad in the newspaper to find Dan... It was a dare. I tried to pull it out a day later. I wish I had the original words I wrote and the actual ad that was posted. The paper changed it almost completely, but Dan found my words among the editors changes and that was what touched my heart. Interestingly, 20 other guys answered the ad. I called them all and told them I was not dating. I tried that with Dan, but my heart was already his. 

Our relationship has not always been easy, but there has always been a solid connection between the two of us. He, as it turns out, is my LBI, my steady partner, my rock!

Enough of that.. I feel that my career is out there, I just have to find it, like Dan and I found each other. 

Dang, this could be an ad to the universe for my "Perfect Career". One where I am amazingly content, settled and happy!!! 

Smooth Sailing...

I was talking to a good friend the other day. I asked her to give me her opinion about a career change I am thinking about making. Her comment surprised me.

She said, "I have no idea why I think about this Debbie, as it is none of my business, but I feel you need to write!"

We were talking on the phone, a tear formed in one eye, tingles shot up the back of my neck and I said, "I only seem to be called to write when my life is filled with emotional, crazy drama! A 'Smooth Sailing' life gives me nothing to write about. I am happy now and life is good, it is perfect! It is the way it should be, but, because of that I really have nothing to say, much less have something exciting to write about."

I have been pondering this conversation for a couple of days. It has been my habit to write, to write volumes in fact, when I am struggling, frustrated, and at my wits end about something that is going on in my life. I must admit, I once led a life full of dramatic events. I was use to living a life full of ups and downs. I was emotionally unbalanced, my emotional fitness was not at it's best. However, I thought that was totally "normal" and thrived upon it. Or, so I thought. Until now.

Interestingly, at the moment I am at peace with my life. Life is running smoothly, I am able to meet each day without a lot of drama, fear or worry. I am becoming a rather centered RBE (right brained extrovert - a Parelli term).

Coincidentally, my horse Ollie is an RBE, at a clinic last summer when Ollie looked at me as though he had no idea what I was asking of him, my instructor told me that Ollie knew the patterns as an RBE, but now that he was using the thinking side of his brain, (acting more like an LBI, Left Brained Introvert) I needed to teach that side of his brain the patterns too. My response was, "Oh my, that makes perfect sense."

Maybe it is the same for me in relationship to my writing! If this is true, then I must teach my confident peaceful self how to write when life is going perfectly.

To write from this peaceful emotionally balanced place of LOVE and contentment is a novel idea to my soul. I am not flat lined, however, I am not living a life on a major adrenaline rush, which is spurred from fear either. I am simply living life, doing what feels like the best option to do in each and every moment. I am living from a different vibration. I react differently to events that once caused fear and worry to arrive. I see these events as opportunities for practice, rather then how I once saw them as possibilities for failure or explosions.

Last night, we had a fabulous opportunity to play an extreme friendly game with the horses. The air was still, the clouds were high, I was in the house, my husband opened the door and hollered in, "I need your help, there is a HUGE balloon in the sky, they need to land in our pasture! The horses are going crazy!" The door slammed, Dan flew toward the barn, the horses were running in circles in their dry lots, heads in the air with their tails flagging!

I calmly slipped on my shoes, took a deep breath as I grabbed my treat bag with my blue Savvy String attached and proceeded to go outside. Above the arena was the balloon. I walked with confidence to the gate, telling myself and Dan that this was a perfect opportunity to play the friendly game with the horses. The balloon was making a loud hissing noise as the pilot adjusted the flow of air. I glanced from the balloon to the horses, knowing that I needed to be the leader for them. I told Dan to head to Ruby's pen, as she was alone. "Go stand with her so she knows she is ok and be CALM!"

I proceeded to move between the balloon and the herd. I noticed Ollie's eyes were bulging from fear, he was trying to get away from the balloon. Hawk was checking to see if he could go under the strand of webbing we use as a gate between the dry lot and the front pasture. Duke, Charm and Jewel were dancing in their dry lots, bucking, kicking and rearing... a very different energy in their pens. Downright playful in fact. In the past, I would have tried to calm my RBE's, but today I decided to be curious and interested in the balloon for my LB horses.

Since, I was in Jewel and Charm's pen now, I asked them to come with me to check out the balloon as it traveled over and away from the dry lots. They followed my leadership and came with me. Charm was licking and chewing, Jewel was watching intently but with a sense of calmness. Ruby was standing with Dan.

Charm and I stood together on top of the small hill, as the balloon landed at the far edge of our property. We watched together, as the air was let out of the sails, I felt a rush of awe come over me. Awe that my horses followed my leadership and were calmer, more confident. Curiosity was the feeling I felt rather then fear. WOW, what a fabulous "extreme friendly game" we were able to share last night.

Remaining calm, confident and curious allowed my herd and husband to follow my lead! It sure is Interesting to see what can result from living life from a place of "Smooth Sailing".

First appeared on http://annamaegold.blogspot.com/2012/06/smooth-sailing.html